I'm tired and I am really missing being able to be around certain people who are amazing. I feel like when I'm around friends ... I just don't worry so much that I'm wasting time. Spending time with them doesn't feel like a waste. The time I've been spending lately does ... all I can think about is when things will be different. I'm not miserable or even sad. It's just that this time doesn't make sense to me, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing and I don't want to just keep doing what I'm doing because I feel the need for something better. More exciting, more meaningful, more thought-provoking and creative... something that matters. I feel a certain inspiration when my friends are around that I just can't seem to feel when they aren't. Maybe I just want a distraction... maybe it's good that my only REAL friend here is Sarah (unless you count Brian... yeah I guess I do count him)... maybe that will force me to utilize this time for a change. I just can't figure out what it's going to be. I have a few ideas I guess. It just feels like a lot of pressure. What am I going to do with my life? How am I going to spend the time I have? It seems like other people have this figured out and I don't... sigh. Time to go to work.

When I was young, the smallest trick of light could catch my eye
and life was new and every new day I thought that I could fly
I believed in what I hoped for... and I hoped in things unseen.
I had wings, and dreams could soar.
I just don't feel like flying anymore.

I feel like I don't like anybody right now. It probably has to do with feeling like nobody likes me right now. I never seem to have fun anymore. Why though? I think I'm going to bed even though there are people over, wanting to play games, drink some beers and have fun... there's something wrong with me. Is there a way to fix it though? This happened last month too. I hate being a girl. Seriously. Fucking. Lame.

But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in

My plan was foiled! I haven't done CRAP in regards to the ten hours I assured myself I would put into working on stuff for my dad. I ended up getting called in for an interview and spent the rest of the day trying to figure in the possibility of this new job. It's funny, it's a "research specialist" job which just means calling people and asking them questions for research... if they don't hang up on you. I am also, behind everyone's back, working on getting a job at the post office in Holland. If I could get that job I might still try and work a night job but it wouldn't be imperative and right now, it is. I don't want to have to quit working at Schuler's though, I like it there. UGH! Sometimes I wish things were like the old days when your job was just whatever your parents used to do. I guess I shouldn't say that because I like being able to switch jobs. I like having the freedom to learn different things through working different jobs. People are always asking me "what do you want to do?" but what if I can't settle on one career? or what if it takes me years and years to realize what I want to do? For now, I am willing to work, shouldn't that be enough? I feel so stressed out trying to figure out a schedule for myself but I know that if I had the same schedule day after day, year after year, I would be unhappy. I guess I just have to be patient and keep working hard until things settle down. I think the main cause of stress for me right now is not knowing about that post office job. If I get that job and have to quit at Schuler's after they promoted me and everything I will feel SO bad, I'll probably be crying when I do it... but I would have to be the biggest idiot in the world not to take it, if they offer me the job. I seriously want it and don't want it at the same time, equally. The only thing I want for sure is to know if I'm going to have it or not and I just have to be patient... which is one of the many virtues I lack. I should get off the computer and start stuff for my dad. I can't concentrate in my apartment though. Too bad I'm not still in college, I could just go to the library. sigh. I was SUPPOSED to go see Lars and the Real Girl with my sister tonight but then she had all this crap happen with her car and now we aren't going until tomorrow. So now I am here, knowing I should do something I probably won't do... again. Listening to a mix that I shouldn't be listening to. Wishing that EVERYTHING was different wondering what I can do. WHAT CAN I DO?! I think that is my biggest problem in life right now. I am stressed out about everything but I feel like there is nothing I can do about anything. Screw it... I wish I could go to Holland. I haven't been back since I quit. It's going to hurt when I do go back, it's going to suck ... but I have friends there who I miss and I need something familiar. I don't even have any money to pay for food or gas though. I'm missing a Menomena show in A2 tomorrow night due to lack of funds. man...

I'm going to post a real post later... I just wanted to put some words out into space, even if they are irrelevant. I don't know what that is about but I get that way sometimes. I have so many journals and half the entries are meaningless. I guess it comes down to me being incapable of expressing myself sometimes. I want to say something, I just don't know what or why. Is it really important? Can I just express my desire to express myself by rambling? I have a love of words but so much of the time, I am incapable of utilizing them to my advantage. Maybe I need more schooling. Sometimes it isn't even words... sometimes it's just letters. I like the way they look.
wlwefmfjielrk. slkerifjf. skjerenfghhhnsoolk. iouoiernn,qwess. oiuwerj. lkjhgfdsaoiw. sieieie.
I want to learn how to write without writing anything... just because I love ink on paper it doesn't have to have meaning. OH! Like Sigur Rós! I just found out that the whole "Hopelandic" thing is bollucks... they don't sing in a made-up language at all. They don't even sing in icelandic or any language. They aren't even using words. They are just expressing themselves vocally without any agenda. I want to learn to do that with writing.
sorry about this post. I probably should have written it in my actual journal... it's not really lj worthy.

So I keep getting home from work and feeling like I should be doing my dad's assignment but I just don't want to! It's boring! Okay, I'm making a plan RIGHT NOW that on my day off tomorrow I will do it for at least ten hours! There, now I don't feel badly about doing something else tonight. No one's around... guess that means I'm going to rent a movie and knit my scarf (which is looking SO great, by the way). Wow... haha my life is so exciting! I don't have plans so I KNIT! I actually really like doing it though. It's relaxing for some reason.
Why does it always happen that after you break up with someone, you move on and, when that doesn't work out, you want the person you broke up with in the first place? All the reasons you broke up in the first place are still there, they just suddenly don't seem to matter as much as they did. Maybe it's just a "not wanting to be alone" thing...

I just got out of work at the Schuler's café. It was my first shift closing things out as a "shift manager". I think I did alright. It really is a pretty easy job I'm just not all the way used to it yet. My plans for the night are still kind of up in the air because different people want different things from me... My sister wants me to drive to Zeeland and hang out with everyone, which sounds fun but somewhat tiring. Kevin wants to meet up for coffee and since I haven't talked to him for almost two weeks I think it would be interesting to find out what the crap has been going on with him. At the same time though, he's been sort of an ass and I don't really know if I actually want to spend any time with him as it may be somewhat deleterious to my evening. My conscience wants me to work on the "assignment" I need to get done for my Dad by Thanksgiving. All I REALLY want to do is knit, eat and watch "Goodbye Lennon". I have no idea if it's going to be good or not but I just feel like watching it.
It's so strange getting out of work so early. It's only 6:30! I probably have time to do ALL of those things... we'll see.

i should be writing this in my real journal but there has been a request for a livejournal entry so... here it is.
i just got back from watching super mario bros and drinking blue rasberry slushies with someone amazing who i can't stop thinking about. we've hugged twice ... that's about as far as it's gone or will go for a long time but it doesn't stop me from thinking hard about possibilities. my sister is in india right now and i wish i could talk to her but i can't. kyle is in the next room and lord knows i can't talk to him about any of this stuff. i guess there isn't much to say anyway except i haven't had this much fun every time i hang out with someone in a really long time (about a year and a half actually). i want to do something but we are hardly even able to hang out in the first place, it's a complicated situation. i wish i could hibernate and just sleep and sleep until the next time we get to hang out, i know it's irrational, unhealthy... stupid even, to feel the way i do but it seems like it doesn't matter, nothing does. am i crazy? of course i am and the whole situation is wierd but i don't care. i think wierd and different and maybe even crazy are good for us sometimes, especially in the context of caring and love. i dont know how to write this entry, i want it to say something monumental and incredible because i feel like that's what tonight was but i can't.
... oh yeah for those of you who don't know... kyle and i broke up a few weeks ago.

I wish someone were online to talk to... I wish someone would have been home when I got here... I wish people would answer thier phones so I don't have leave messages... I feel like talking to someone and Kyle won't be here for another 20 mins. I feel like bitching about work... about myself... about the fact that it seems like all I ever do is bitch. Tonight wasn't too bad of a night at the restaurant. We were busy, which is good, I made money, but I felt bad most of the night because I had a table that tried to go against one of our policies ... lied right to my face and totally expected me to do nothing about it. I did what the manager told me to do, they didn't like it, so they stiffed me and took the bill home with them, undoubtedly to keep proof with my name on it that I "overcharged them"... I didn't. We have a policy. I told them about it... they didn't listen or didn't care or thought they could get away with just lying or something... I don't know why I let it bother me. They are obviously just jerks. I'm just sick of people being jerks I guess. I'm sick of feeling sick of people. I want to like people... be nice to them, patient and understanding with them but it's like they won't let me... it makes me feel really alone. I also seem to have some really wierd issue where I can't just let things go if they don't really matter... things that I KNOW aren't going to matter next week or next month or a year from now... I dwell on them for hours, sometimes whole days. I blow my own problems out of proportion. I just want to feel okay. Not stressed or worried or depressed or anxiety ridden... I just want to live and know that I didn't waste a bunch of my living-time. Maybe I need to spend less time at work. Maybe I need to spend more time with friends or doing art or reading or writing or cooking or resting or any of the things I love to do. Maybe there's nothing I can do... Maybe I could get hypnotized or something... I'm so sick of caring so much about every little thing. I'm sick of emitting sadness, frustration, tiredness, laziness, self-pity and confusion. Maybe I need a revolution of some kind! Maybe I could quit my jobs and road trip everywhere and visit all my friends! I hate money... I hate that I am used to a life where I work/pay bills/get ready for work/sleep and eat/work/pay bills etc... how did I get here? I know I'm loved and I guess that's why I feel like it's ok. I'm only 24 and I already have so many bills I feel like I have to work so much that I can't even be myself anymore... I've never been a totally together person, never been happy all the way through, always felt alone and sort of separated from people around me... but right now I feel like I'm a robot... not like I'm the human amber mess I've always been... i'm a different kind of mess. I don't know if I should be worried about myself or not. Kyle just got here... now I can complain to him instead of a screen. I hope tomorrow is better than today... it's thanksgiving.

i think i should just never get on the computer again.

I hate things that make me feel like shit but are completely and totally out of my control... when there's just nothing I can do and it's in other people's hands whether or not I have to do or feel something.
This weekend was so much fun... I wasn't looking forward to this week.
I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.
I need a change.

It's been a while... Quick update for everyone:
I am currently dating/living with my boyfriend of 8 months, his name is Kyle and he's wonderful.
I am currenly working at two jobs 1. Waitressing at 8th Street Grille in downtown Holland 2. Cashiering?(I'm not sure what you'd call it) at Froggy's also in downtown Holland.
I, very recently got a new kitten, her name is Olivia.
Well, that pretty much sums everything up ... I don't have too much time for anything else these days. Lame... I know.
I'm really hoping to start a few things ... like ... a life. Doing art, riding my bike more, going to the beach, starting projects, hanging out with people, going to shows etc... I just want to do more than work and it's summer and I'm happy because I love summer and I want to actually enjoy it.
I am up really early today because when Kyle left for work I couldn't fall back asleep. It's suprisingly nice being up right now... the sun is shining through every window and we have fans blowing a cool breeze all through our house. I should really get out of bed and off the computer and start getting ready for work. I just don't feel like going. I'd much rather take this morning and go finish my sketch of the tunnel at tunnel park, or go get some ingredients and make a recipe... read a book... SOMETHING besides going to Froggy's to fill ice bins, vacuum, take down chairs and start ringing customers up. blah.

i miss my friends

Write 20 random facts about yourself then tag the same amount of people as minutes it takes you to write the facts. If you're tagged it's your turn.
1. I don't know if I want to have kids or not.
2. I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than settle for being with someone I don't truly love.
3. After I retire I know I'll still work.
4. I look forward to sundays because of a stranger who comes in to get quiche.
5. I'm constantly worried that I'll spend my entire life letting myself down.
6. I want to visit all 50 states and every continent except antarctica before I die.
7. I am jealous of almost every single girl I see, even cartoons.
8. If I'd been born with a different body, I would be a dancer.
9. My favorite coffee is ethiopian.
10. I take lexapro and without it I'm a mess, and I hate that.
11. I wish I could be vegan but I just can't.
12. I desperately want to learn piano and either cello, violin or both before I die.
13. I wish people weren't so hard on eachother.
14. It takes me a million years to eat a pint of ben and jerry's but I could eat a pizza in one setting.
15. I want the new gorillaz.
16. I haven't taken a single picture since I've moved to Holland.
17. My house burned down a year ago today.
18. I can't wait til my hair turns gray or white.
19. I feel unloved 24/7 and I don't know if there is a cure.
20. I want very much to be well educated, well read, well travelled and cultured. I don't know why but that's much more important to me than being successful.

cashew and sarah

It's absolutely beautiful today. I'm in a good mood but I just feel like I have so much I need to do and I am having trouble keeping up with it. Ah, I'm sure I'll be fine... I'm sure everything will be fine. I have to go put laundry in the dryer.

I seriously think something is wrong... wierd... i don't know ... something is up. It started last night...
I was section four -closing- and we were kind of busy -as we always are on wed...kids eat free- right so i wasn't really paying special attention to any of my six tables just trying to make sure they all had their food and drink. that i wasn't sucking ass as a waitress. there was a family at table 11 -wierd...i just realized that's my lucky number- two blonde boys a pretty wife and a friendly dad who kept reminding me that my name was amber everytime i dropped something off or asked if they needed anything. "Thank you amber" " No, I think we're all set amber" etc. When i dropped off their bill i reminded them that because kids ate free there was a 17% gratuity already added to their bill. The friendly dad asked if there would still be a place to give more of a tip after i'd ran the credit card. with a smile i assured him that he would be able to leave more if he really wanted to. so i brought back their check and said "thanks so much" but before i could say "have a nice night" he asked if i could come back to the table in just a few minutes. i said "sure" but i was afraid to do so, thinking i would get yelled at for not having my shirt tucked in or maybe because he didn't like something about the service i gave them. but when i came back he said something along the lines of the following ... "Amber, I don't know if you believe in God or not. I guess I get the impression that you probably know about him but haven't decided anything really. Well, I believe that sometimes God has something that he just impresses upon people. Like, sometimes he just wants me to do something, he lets me know and I do it. So..." At this juncture he pulled out the reciept and the credit card slip that i had stapled to it. it was folded in half and he unfolded it and handed it to me. when i first saw it i thought he had given me a twenty dollar tip and i was really happy, it would have been a really nice gesture since his bill wasn't even for twenty dollars. but... then i looked again. it wasn't twenty it was two hundred!!!!! I was like... uhh uhhh uhhh ummm... he just smiled and finished telling me his reasons. "I think God is going to be doing something really amazing in your life in the next couple of years. When it happens, you'll be able to remember that one time with that wierd guy in your restaurant" I didn't know what to say...i actually tried to persuade him against it "You really DONT have to do this" "I didn't even do anything to deserve this AT ALL" "Are you SURE you want to do this?" but it was like he wasn't listening to me. and his wife just sat there watching me, happy... really happy. and her sons had no clue that their father was giving a random girl a two hundred dollar tip... oh plus the 17% that had already been added to their bill before he'd tripled my income for the night.
Then this morning i woke up and my fish was dead. Colin... poor thing. He liked swimming at the bottom by the little stones so much that he never swam up to eat. Anorexia kills. Then I lost my phone. I couldn't find it anywhere in my apt. It wasn't in my purse where it should have been. So, I just went to work, worried about it. When I got out my sister called it and no one answered. So I went looking for it. Back tracking all my steps for the day... riding my bike unbelievably slow along 16th trying to find it in the dark. I went back to Meijer where I had visited my Starbucks employee sister and shopped for a few things. I asked at the lost and found first but no luck. As I was walking back to the place where i'd bought stuff to see if maybe it was on the ground i found five dollars just lying in the middle of the floor. We looked everywhere and then i remembered that i'd bought some nylons and we went over by the nylons to see if maybe it was there. and it was... right there, kicked under one of the stand-thingys. So... that just happened and now I'm hanging out at this dude's house... this dude who stalks my sister but she feels bad for him and so i guess we're friends with him now. he's nice...just a little wierd. maybe a dash of creepy, a pinch of scary but the main ingredients seem to be nice, lonely and bored.
SIGUR ROS IN five days!!!
This post is long... props to anyone who actually reads it all. I went and saw sufjan monday and that was super sweet but mostly it got me excited to see Sigur Ros. Well, I guess we're going to play monopoly or something. I love monopoly.

Sitting in lemonjellos in my 8th street grille uniform passing time before i go into work. it's soooooo nice outside and i wish i had a chance to go swimming in the lake like yesterday... but i can't go everyday so work it is. kids eat free night... yipee! things are so half and half here. i love my new job so much (even though i did spill a glass of ice water down a guys back and cried for almost and entire shift last week... ahem*) and i love our new apt. not living at home is really much much better for me. i love riding my bike all over and getting to hang out with my sister, go to the beach and be closer to sarah and dan, and other gr people... i just... miss chris, blair... my mom. i guess i just realized yesterday that those relationships... no matter how close to my heart everyone is always going to be. i made the decision to move here (and to not use my credit cards) so i can't see them whenever i want, i will have to make new friends and there may be a period of time where i don't really have any friends. like now. i just hope it doesn't stay this way long. especially since although i love the way things are going for me right now... i've been feeling more and more like i wish i wasn't alone. i'm not saying that i'm desperate or anything i'm just ready to be held again, to be kissed again, have someone tell me that they love me. perhaps i am just being impatient but i'm starting to feel like four years is long enough to have gone without seriously dating anyone. this coffee is really good.

HOLLAND MICHIGAN HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so weighed down by this
looking behind me... you're there
looking ahead... you're with him
and i can't get away from it
i can't let go of it
it has a hold of me and always will...

so does this mean it was all for nothing?
can you really move on and become someone else
because of him? he won't change for you
and now i can't look at you the same
i just wish i understood... i don't